Snot and Vomit Apparel: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie on Retro Bizarro

Dodger likes Tangerine. Juice likes Tangerine too. So Juice throws Dodger into the sewer where Dodger’s acting career eventually ends up after agreeing to play one of the protagonists in Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie.

I say one of the protagonists because there are several others in this film. Luckily, they all had the opportunity to hide behind pimple-covered costumes adorned with snot and vomit. These are the beloved Garbage Pail Kids, who urinate, fart and puke their way into our hearts as they design clothing using boogers as adhesive and their impeccable knowledge of fashion derived from their home planet of who-cares-what-it-is-called-because-anyone-who-watches-this-trash-only-wants-to-see-fart-jokes-and-ugly-kids-anyway.

Unfortunately, only a few of the Garbage Pail Kids in the movie are colorful enough to warrant attention. Even as a child I found myself bored by Greaser Greg and Foul Phil. I can’t smell Foul Phil’s nasty breath like I can hear Windy Winston’s musical choir of farts. And Greaser Greg, well, there are about 1,000 Garbage Pail Kids who are more interesting than a fat kid who looks like Fonzie.

The same can be said of the cartoon (pardon the momentary semi-digression), which features a few of the least appealing characters in the series. At least the cartoon featured guest appearances from more colorful characters.

In the film they mislead the audience to believe that more Garbage Pail Kids will be revealed to us at the end of the film. They are trapped in The State Home for the Ugly . . . and that’s where the film’s budget ends and the director decides to throw an adult in diapers and a guy in a fucking Santa Claus outfit behind bars instead of a few more Garbage Pail Kids.

Fuckers.

Nevertheless, even though Garbage Pail Kids is thought to be one of the worst films of all time, I really enjoyed it when I was young, and still pop it in from time to time. Apparently it was released on DVD a few years ago, a few weeks after I bought an ancient, barely-functioning rental VHS copy on Ebay. If you’re a fan of the cards, the gross, the bizarre, or strange Hollywood costumes, check this movie out. I’d stay away from the cartoon unless you’re a die-hard fan, however.

On the other hand, if you decide the film isn’t for you, at least check out the Oscar-worthy scene below: