Beating Phallic Symbols with Flying Fish: Weird Dreams on Retro Bizarro

Remember those weird dreams where you were about to take a test in school, but you didn’t have a pencil, clothes, or dignity? Remember the ones where you stood apathetically inside a cotton candy machine while granulated sugar clung to your body so you could feed it to a giant wasp and beat rabid rosebushes?

I don’t. Chances are, unless you had a Commodore or DOS in the late 80s, you don’t either.

Originally released in 1988, Weird Dreams pits protagonist Steve against a limited array of enemies, with a limited array of weapons . . . and a limited array of music, and like most games of the time, an incredibly ludicrous difficulty level to compensate.

The game begins where a novella accompanying the game ends: with Steve resting on an operating table about to undergo brain surgery, because he’s been a little under the weather, and brain surgery is generally the first option for a man who has been feeling a little sick after a hot co-worker gets him to eat a few horse pills.

Once Steve enters his psychotropic drug-infested mind, he’s introduced to the whopping 10 or so enemies, including plants with teeth, a giant roast chicken with teeth, sports paraphernalia . . . with teeth. If this abundance of teeth seems like a testament to the creative shortsight of the staff, don’t be so quick to criticize them. There’s a brain with an eyeball too, just to switch things up. And there’s something to be said about the diverse environments like hall of doors, hall of tubes and hall of mirrors.

Why is it Bizarro?

1. Playing catch with a little girl who owns an oversized, sharp-toothed soccer ball until it devours her.

2. Beating giant totem poles that look like oversized penises with a dead fish.

3. Traipsing across piano keys like Tom Hanks in Big, except the keys are “lethal” and there’s an obese ballerina dancing in the background.

Below you’ll find the entire walkthrough in roughly seven minutes. Yep, that’s it: