Sick Ticket by Nikki Guerlain

Reblogged from The Imperial Youth Review:

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Sick Ticket

It had all started at The Neon Boneyard.

We were watching blacklit girls in fluorescent bikinis doing strange things in pools of neon, drinking Bones Under Buttercups— 120 proof butterscotch creams served in white chocolate cups.

An argument broke out at the table to our right regarding the whereabouts of Marilyn Monroe’s body. One man insisted she was still alive and was drinking mojitos with Elvis in Cuba.

Read more… 1,100 more words

Introducing the blog space for Imperial Youth Review. I was invited to join the ranks of this project a while back, and watching it build momentum has been awesome. To kick things off, they've offered a story from the mind of Nikki Guerlain, who was just nominated for a Pushcart Prize. She also has great taste in films. Rock on, IYR. Rock on, Nikki.

Michael Allen Rose: King of Trades

Michael Allen Rose in Hot and Heavy Productions version of "The Wall" at Stage 773 (C) 2012, Hank Pearl

Some folks dabble in multiple areas of interest. The risk, of course, is spreading oneself too thin. But that’s not a problem for Michael Allen Rose, author, actor, and musician. I had a chance to converse with him recently about his many artistic endeavors and past successes, including the recent publication of his first book, Party Wolves in my Skull.

1. First and foremost, can you tell us a little about your book?

Of course! Party Wolves in My Skull is about Norman Spooter, who awakens one morning to find that his eyeballs have fallen in love and are leaving him. They tear themselves out of his skull, steal his car, and take off for parts unknown. He doesn’t know what to do, so he does what most of us would – he goes back to bed, hoping it’ll all resolve itself. Unfortunately, a pack of wolves moves in overnight, since his skull now has a vacancy, and worst of all, they’re party wolves. They end up joining forces, and go on a wild road-trip as poor Norman tries to track down his eyeballs. A woman named Zoe joins them, and she’s on the run from her psycho ex-boyfriend who happens to be a walrus. Really, it’s a satire of road-trip stories with some really crazy characters and some fun set pieces, like the Motel Sick and a tiny cult town in the middle of North Dakota. Oh, and crazy walrus violence! It’s a sweet story though, I think, and the reviews so far have found it a very funny book, so I’m pretty happy with the way it turned out.

One of the fun things for me about writing this book was that each of the party wolves has such a distinct personality. Through them, I get to explore parts of myself as an author I might not always give voice too. That’s especially becoming apparent with the reviews I’ve been doing on www.partywolves.com where I’ve been reviewing books as the party wolves. It helps me really accentuate the positive, since I can let different books appeal to different parts of me and use that particular character to talk about an aspect of the book I’m reading. It’s also a nice way to extend the fiction into the real world a little bit, which hopefully will get more people interested in the book.

2. You work in theater as well. Can you tell us what the strangest or sexiest production you acted in was? Give us details. Juicy details! (and photos!)

Mr. Rose (far right) with the cast from Hot and Heavy Productions version of "The Wall"The Wall (C) 2012 Mandy Dempsey

I’m actually pretty proud of the work I’ve been doing with RoShamBo Theatre and also with Hot and Heavy Productions here in Chicago, because everything we do is both sexy and strange! I think my crowning achievement with RoShamBo so far may have been our production for a WBEZ (NPR) event last year themed around the history of Chicago theatre. They had a bunch of famous people come in to do a panel discussion and story share about the history of professional theatre here in the windy city. We were tasked, along with a handful of other tiny theatre companies, to create a piece illuminating some aspect of that. We chose to highlight a “brief history of nudity in Chicago theatre.” It was amazing. We took real stories of actual “naked moments” and productions featuring actors in the buff from the last 40 years and performed little blackout sketches about them. As I narrated from backstage over the mic, the cast cleverly covered themselves with strategically placed props, body paint, etc so that none of them were actually naked. Of course the twist was, at the end, they’re all lined up at the front of the stage and I’m narrating about how audiences have come to expect that they could see nudity on a Chicago stage at any time without warning. As I’m doing this, I come out from the back buck naked. The only person in the production who didn’t need to be naked. We got a pretty nice reaction from the crowd for that one. That led to us producing one of (Emmy winner) Joe Janes “50 Plays Project.” I directed a piece that involved a cast of four in this bizarre mash-up of Butoh dance, S&M bondage and absurdism regarding a possessed ATM machine. Good times. More recently I’ve been working with my friend Viva La Muerte and her Hot and Heavy Productions group. I was honored to be part of their tribute to Pink Floyd’s The Wall recently, where I got to show off my amazing back-bend and paint myself red. Sexy and strange all the way through.

3. You’re also a musician as well. Are you still active?

For a while I had to put Flood Damage (my industrial band) on hiatus, but it’s back with a vengeance. It’s finally coming together in the way that I dreamed when I was a sixteen year old kid in my parents’ basement. Last summer was our first show in years, and with the new incarnation, and it involved fire, sparks shooting from a woman’s crotch, zombie abortions, strippers peeling skin off, and the summoning of a tiny Cthulhu, among other things. I always wanted to be synonymous with blood, fire and titties. It’s finally happening. We’re planning a big show in April (4/20) here in Chicago in conjunction with Hot and Heavy, doing a burlesque tribute to industrial rock. It’s going to be one hell of a show.

Michael Allen Rose even delivers for the pervs who find my page each day by searching for bulge shots!

4. Can you give us a brief explanation of how you made your way from musician to head of RoShamBo Theater?

I guess all the things I do kind of cross-pollinate. I never claim to be particularly good at any one thing that I do, but I do a lot of things, and sometimes I get lucky and wonderful people come along who support my vision. RoShamBo, Flood Damage, and my writing are all just different arms of what I like to do trying to “make art happen.” I’m just happy that there are people surrounding my life who are talented and generous to help me make all these things work.

5. You’re a Chicago native, correct? What’s the strangest place you love to frequent in the windy city? (you’re under no obligation to answer if you have stalkers).

I grew up in the frozen wastes of North Dakota (at least the summers are nice). I moved to Chicago in 2007, after finishing my playwriting MFA in southern Illinois. I moved here because of the amazing art scenes, the awesome people and the best food in America. We combine world class restaurants and urban diversity with the Midwest love of eating. There’s no other place like it.

There are lots of places I regularly hang out. Actually, I’m looking for stalkers, particularly attractive women, so I might as well divulge. I spend a lot of time at Knockbox Café over in Humbolt Park. It’s a great little coffee shop with some super cool owners, and they’re also letting us use their space to host the Bizarro Hour on March 1st, featuring myself along with the amazing Mykle Hansen, Garrett Cook and Andersen Prunty. Hell of a lineup. Oh! And the Pop Tarts are hosting! They’re the most famous British pop duo since… the last one!

6. Who were some of your biggest inspirations when you were growing up? (music, writing, drama, film, etc.)

Music has always been a huge part of my life, and many of the artists I most admire are multi-threat artists, like I’ve always tried to be. I’m a huge fan of Jim Thirlwell (Foetus) who I think is one of the greatest composers in the last century, bar none. He’s literally able to go from an industrial rock god to a symphony conductor to a big band nut to a dark and disturbing score creator in the scope of a single album. He’s also been releasing music since I was born, which is pretty amazing. There are tons of others of course… Tod Ashley of Firewater, Trent Reznor of nine inch nails, Johnny Cash… people who have really done it all in a variety of arenas.

I’ve also developed a healthy interest in philosophy, of the armchair variety. Jean Paul Sartre is amazing. Samuel Beckett is one of my favorite playwrights ever. I love the existentialists in general, because it really is a fundamental humanist view. The choices we make are what matters.  Not some uncaring, chaotic universe, but how we define ourselves as humans and move forward, choosing to act, making our own destiny. It’s really an optimistic philosophy, but a lot of people miss that I think because they get caught up in the “uncaring Godless universe” thing. I feel like that gives us our power back, as well as making us take responsibility for our actions, which is always a good thing.

7. What are the benefits of each art form you participate in? Why do you engage in multiple forms of expression? There must be benefits to each.

Like I mentioned earlier, I think everything feeds everything else. I’m a better director because I know how to write a play. I’m a better actor because I’m thinking about how a director might want me to act. I write better fiction because I’m used to writing dialogue. It goes on. Not saying that I’m amazing at any of those things, but I think being a jack-of-all-trades, while it may not ever get you to the top of any one field or art, is the way to go. You don’t limit yourself by choosing form before idea that way. If I have inspiration for something, maybe it’ll be a song, maybe it’ll be a short story, you know? Again, most of the people I admire are those folks who delve into whatever form strikes them for a given project.

I guess the short answer is, I don’t know how else to do it. I can’t focus long enough to stick with any one particular thing! Thankfully, there are people in my life who help me hone in on one thing at a time. And it seems like right now, I’m lucky enough to have people noticing and enjoying what I’m doing, which is a huge blessing for any artist.

8. How do you balance your various roles as an artist?

Very carefully.

9. This year the NBAS crew had their books in electronic format from the start. With the previous crews this was not the case. We were required to sell 200 print copies. Have the stipulations changed at all since the electronic book was added to the equation?

They have. Thanks to you guys being all successful and awesome, they made it a bit harder for us and raised the number by another hundred. Every sale matters! It’s been fun though, and it’s nice because all of us are promoting each other as well as our own books, which I think will pay off in the long run. It’s a great crop of crazy authors this year, and we hope to follow the trail that you guys have been blazing these past two years.

Michael Allen Rose (center right) with the NBAS 2012 gang

10. what are your plans for the future, in terms of your artistic endeavors?

I’m going to keep trying to spin all these plates at once, hoping none of them shatter!

11. Finally, what’s with the bathrobe?

So my first year at BizarroCon, I was meeting everyone and hanging out, and I had just come back from the amazing salt-water spa at Edgefield. As you might have noticed from the pictures, I’m not that self-conscious about my body, so I was just standing there outside in a bathrobe. People found that amusing, especially since I didn’t think anything of it until they mentioned it. So, Rose O’ Keefe (editor in chief of eraserhead press and Bizarro queen) was kind enough to give me a reading slot. I asked people if they were coming, and without fail, almost everyone asked “Are you going to wear the robe?” So I kind of had to. So it became a joke, and I wore it most of the weekend. There’s actually a character in Jordan Krall’s “Valley of the Apocalypse Donkeys” based on a situation involving the robe and a donkey-headed woman. It was a thing. So the next year (my 2nd) I didn’t want to be “the robe guy” but people kept asking, so I integrated it into my bizarro showdown performance, doing a short story about a guy in a robe, the climax being that I disrobed… and had another robe underneath! So this past year, I had to at least reference it. It’s one of those things where, you don’t always get to choose your persona, sometimes it just happens and something resonates with people. It’s fun. It’s comfortable.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

Learn more about RoShamBo Theater HERE

Stop by the fan page for Mr. Rose’s band, Flood Damage: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Flood-Damage/10704896687

Party Wolves in my Skull is available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. Click on the image below for more information:

New Anthologies/Journals Featuring My Work

The last few months have been wild in the small press scene, particularly in the realm of bizarro fiction. Content for Mellick’s The Bible Pt. II is currently being reviewed. The NBAS 2011 titles were announced (I’ll be interviewing some of them soon). And BizarroCon just finished earlier this month.

Alas, accompanying the good is a little bad. Two highly anticipated anthologies, The New Flesh: Episode I & Technicolor Tentacles, were cancelled by their proposed publisher. My work was to appear in both, which I announced in a previous blog. Unfortunately, those works won’t be released for a while. They’re currently under consideration for other publications. If all goes well, they’ll be appearing online for free in the near future.

Speaking of The New Flesh, some of you may have noticed new material hasn’t been published on the page in a while. The editor, William Pauley III, is working on some new material (which I forgot to ask if I could write about here), but told me the site will be publishing some new stories in the near future. So stay tuned! It’s one of my favorite flash fiction sites.

Two collections featuring my work, which I haven’t had a chance to announce yet, are available now. Today, Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens #10 was released (picture top left). This will be the last issue edited by Bradley Sands. Sam Reeve takes over in coming issues.

A Hacked-Up Holiday Massacre also hit shelves this month. This is my fourth venture with Pill Hill Press (two anthologies featuring my work will be released soon).

Last but not least, in the near future one of my works will be published in New Tales of the Old Ones, edited by Michael C. Dick and published by Knight Watch Press. The anthology will be broken into two volumes, and should be available soon. The stories revolve around the Lovecraft mythos. My story “Blood, Guns & Tentacles” is the first chapter of a book I’m currently working on. I hope to publish several of the chapters in anthologies and magazines, and follow up down the road (way down the road) with a novel that ties the chapters together.

That’s it for now. I always feel awkward about these self-promotion blogs, so I’ll be posting new content in the next few days so this gets pushed down. I’m hoping to hear back from several places in the near future, but I’ll keep these posts spaced out and consolidate announcements so the blog doesn’t get bogged down with this kind of stuff.

Happy Holidays,

Writing, Networking and Publishing Before & After The Internet Era: An Interview with Steve Lowe

I tried to get a bulge shot for the 10 people who visit my site daily for "hot bulges." But this one cuts off just below the waist. Sorry, pervs.

When Steve Lowe signed on with the New Bizarro Author Series last year, he brought nearly a decade of networking experience to the table. His experience has given him the chance to get to know writers and editors in the small press world in personal and professional capacities. While networking has admittedly provided him with a plethora of insight into publishing, at the core Lowe’s success stems from his personality, and his ability to treat fans, friends, fellow authors and editors as they should be treated: like people, a feat which is surprisingly difficult for some beginning authors to grasp.

The fact that some authors struggle with networking shouldn’t come as a surprise though. Rumors and stories of famous authors who flourished prior to the internet era generally construe writers as introverted, socially awkward, and wholly reliant on their publishers for promotion. Those days are gone, and without proper networking/marketing skills, the next J.D. Salinger could be left by the wayside. The internet has forever changed the face of publishing. Steve watched this shift take place, and his survival in the evolving market is testament to his intuition and ability to adapt.

I had a chance to sit down and chat with Steve about his experience writing, publishing and networking on Friday, September 1st. Throughout the conversation we discussed the evolving market, our experiences after the transition from print to electronic submissions, and the mistakes commonly made by beginners after the transition took place.

KJ: When did you start writing fiction?

SL: I’ve always written fiction since I was a kid, but I didn’t really start trying to get anything published until about 2002.

KJ: Do you remember some of the first places you submitted to?

SL: Man… not really. I had a short story I wrote as a teenager (and extensively rewrote later) published on a long-defunct webzine in the early 2000s, but I don’t recall the name of the pub. After that, I subbed some children’s stories to pro-type publications. That was brutal – mailing stories off and not knowing if they even got the submission until 8 months later when I would get a rejection back in my mailbox. I welcomed the advent of email and electronic submissions.

KJ: Agreed. The response times were nightmares. SASE (Self Addressed Stamped Envelopes), reprinting query letters, what a nightmare. At least we don’t have to worry about getting mustard stains on our submissions anymore, and editors don’t have to deal with submissions garnished with perfume.

Do you remember your first acceptance letter?

SL: My first acceptance was actually for something I hadn’t written yet. I pitched a national high school sports magazine a story about baseball base running, with tips from University of Notre Dame head coach Paul Manieri (who went on to win a national championship at LSU…). The magazine only lasted about a year, but I still have it somewhere. It was my first experience with being published in something aside from our local newspaper, so it was a good experience overall.

KJ: What was your first acceptance for fiction, and when?

SL: That would be the aforementioned story from my younger days. I think the ezine was called Dark Horizons or some such thing – really low tech looking website in around 2002ish. It was a story about a guy who thinks he’s reliving the same dream over and over only to realize that he’s actually dead and reliving the moment when he caused his younger brother’s death in a sort of purgatory or hell all his own. It was pretty weak from what I remember, but I got $5 out of it, so that was my first fiction pub and also my first paid piece of fiction. It also prominently featured a big wheel, one of my cherished possessions from about age 8 or 9.

KJ: Prior to the internet, authors tended to stick to a particular genre once they became established. Today many authors are starting to branch out and explore multiple genres. So far you have dipped your fingers in multiple genres. Do you find yourself focusing more on any particular genre right now, or do you foresee yourself sticking to a particular genre as you move forward in your writing career?

SL: I don’t rightly know, to tell you the truth. My way of writing has always been just writing the story that comes to mind, which tends to be down a darker path more often than not. I like writing horror but I don’t really consider myself a horror writer because most of my stories don’t necessarily fit within the recognized confines of one specific genre. I love writing humorous fiction that makes people laugh, but I’ve also found that to be extremely hard to do on a consistent basis. Above all else, I want my work to be entertaining. And I also subscribe to the “wife response factor.” Every story that I’ve written that has produced audible laughs or groans of disgust from my wife have eventually found their way to print, so she’s a fantastic barometer. If I can’t move her in one way or the other, I have a pretty good idea that it’s not up to snuff.

KJ: You have a pretty extensive network in the writing community. Every time I break ground with a new publisher or editor, you have had encounters with them in some capacity, and generally know exactly who I’m talking about. I mention a publisher and you can tell me which editors work for them. My estimation is that you’ve been networking for some time. When did networking become an integral part of the writing/publishing process for you?

No secret identity: The writer Steve Lowe is the same Steve Lowe people call a friend.

SL: The moment I joined Coppola’s Zoetrope writers community back in ’02. The main part of the site was random people reviewing work and posting their own, hoping for some feedback and I stayed there for a long time. But in 2007, I discovered a vibrant community within the site’s private office feature, where people could make their own private message board groups (usually based around genre or poetry, short stories, novels, etc.). That’s where I made probably 90% of my contacts and met some truly talented writers and genuine friends. It’s a much looser vibe in the private offices, especially the Liquid Imagination office. LI is also a webzine run by John Miller (JAM to his friends) and filled with some outstanding folks who work very well with each other. Lots of critiquing and suggestions and feedback that has made the difference between an acceptance and a rejection on basically all of my work that has been published since I joined. Which is to say, the vast majority of my work that has made its way into print. Finding a writers group, whether online or in your local community, is a fantastic way for writers to not only improve what they produce, but as you mentioned, network and make contacts with people all over the publishing spectrum.

KJ: I had no idea how interconnected the small publishing world truly was before I started shopping my material around. The more I submit and get to know people, the more I realize how deep the ties are. We’ve both had quite different experiences in that you networked around the time you started publishing, and I’m just starting to establish a network now.

I have had the opportunity to watch you broaden your network on Goodreads. You move fast, and work with genuine interest in networking with people, not to further your career, but because you’re interested in people and getting to know people. I’m trying to find a way to prompt you to give the folks on my blog the same advice you gave me, but damn it, it isn’t working!

Hmm. Well, I’ll just ask this: what are some tips for networking you can provide to beginning authors?

SL: Definitely find other authors and join a critique group of some kind. Not only will you get the benefit from others’ opinions, you’ll also learn where they’ve subbed or been published, who responds quickly or doesn’t, who responds with advice or feedback, etc. Also, using sites like Duotrope to find not only pubs in the genre they’re looking for, but also contact names, information about the publication, if they’re even over for submissions. These are great places to start from.

KJ: I’ve read a few blogs on the topic of networking blunders that authors sometimes make. The most notable I’ve heard mentioned is the ever-popular Facebook spam approach. There’s a pretty interesting discourse that crops up on Facebook from time to time, in which authors will post the link to their book, blurbs relating to their book, etc. Then other authors will respond in their own posts, lamenting the lack of tact fellow authors exhibit. Can you add any networking blunders that you have encountered or heard about?

SL: Blogs can be dangerous things for writers, especially the comment section. The worst thing a writer can do is seek out a bad review of their work and get into a pissing match over it with the reviewer. Childish arguing with someone over their opinion of your work will travel around the Internet and the writing community at light speed and could destroy years of positive networking and relationship building in an instant.

There was one such incident a few months back involving a self-pubbed romance writer who did just this on a reviewer’s blog. It did not end well and that writer has no one to blame for it but herself.

KJ: I remember that. It’s legendary now. Whenever there is mention of disputes between reviewers and authors, this incident always comes up. I have heard about it several times on numerous threads on Goodreads. For the rest of us, it’s like watching a fight at a high school dance. You just feel awkward and nervous.

SL: indeed, and sad for the writers, who seem to have no clue the kind of damage they are doing to themselves.

KJ: The internet really has changed things for writers. In high school and college, we hear about these socially awkward, reclusive writers who end up being extremely famous for their great work. But that doesn’t happen much, if at all, anymore, especially online and in the small-press world. You have to network and you have to be a people person.

SL: And it continues to evolve as more traditional publishers and book stores go down and more independents come into play, not to mention the self-publishing side of things.

KJ: Probably one of the best pieces of advice I’ve acquired from you is to treat potential readers like people. It’s amazing how often this can be forgotten by some authors. I remember when our books first got published, I was posting updates about my book on Facebook too often. It finally occurred to me that I could sell more copies by just being myself and not mentioning my book. The information is there if people want it, but shoving it down their throats isn’t going to work. I don’t think I ever went as far as force feeding my friends, but I got a little too enthusiastic for a while.

. . . then of course, there’s the awkward entry into a network. Remember that fellow who spammed the NBAS group on Goodreads with his book?

SL: There have been a couple who have done that, actually. One realized the mistake right away and took down her post, and has made an attempt to be part of the community, which is what she should have done in the first place. The other simply made one post and then disappeared. You want to earn yourself a bad reputation really fast? Post-and-run spam about your book. Another recipe for failure.

KJ: I’ve been seeing this on various groups on Facebook as well. There’s a writer’s group on there that has been issuing warnings on their page due to the heavy spamming.

To raise the bar on lack of tact, some authors spam groups that discuss genres not related to their work, science fiction writers spamming horror groups, for example.

Facebook can be rough because it blends a lot of the social frames that used to remain separate and distinct offline. One’s professional life, personal life, life with family and their life as a writer, it all gets mixed together. An author makes a post with people from one of those frames in mind and loses sight of the others.

SL: I’ve definitely struggled with how much is too much when it comes to Facebook. There is a point where constant posting just becomes spamming, and I’ve probably been guilty of that on FB. But at the same time, it’s a great resource if you can connect with people who would be genuinely interested in your work, so it’s not perfect, but it can’t be discounted either.

KJ: Well, our books hit the shelves for the first time last October, I think we all posted a lot about our books at first, but we pulled back after a month or two.

It was exciting!

SL: I tried to pull back, but not stop completely, adhering to the advertising rule that someone needs to see an ad 5-7 times before they act on it. I try to post a little something every couple weeks or so, but nowhere near what I did in the beginning. That’s been part of the learning process as well – finding out what works and what doesn’t and then adjusting my approach.

KJ: Any closing words of advice for new writers?

SL: You absolutely MUST develop thick skin. If you can’t take criticism, you won’t last long, especially on the Internet.

This concludes my first interview with the NBAS crew. I have a few more authors who have signed on as well, meaning this series should at least survive for a few months and hopefully longer. I’m hoping to bring publishers, editors and reviewers into the mix to get viewpoints from all sides. Next up is Nicole Cushing, who I hope to discuss marketing strategies with.

Madballs on Retro Bizarro

How did I miss these?

When I think back to the toys I played with during the 80s, a few highlights come to mind. My Pet Monster was one of my favorites. The cartoon aired on a few of the Canadian stations we managed to pick up at my house. I used to rent the movie from the local corner store until they started offering NES games. But I never got my hands on the actual toy. I had some smaller knockoff version.

I really liked Gremlins too. The toys rocked, but the movie made me cry. Sometimes I still wake in a sweat deep in the night screaming “Gizmo! Noooo!” At least I don’t wet the bed anymore. Now I go in the laundry basket when I sleep walk.

Now Madballs, I could afford those. And we had a hell of a time with them.The only problem was figuring out how to play with the damned things. They looked cool, but what did they DO? We tried using them to play golf, baseball, soccer. That never worked. But boy did they bounce, like a dry sponge on pavement. Seriously, watch the commercial I posted below. Those kids slam those balls into the pavement and . . . nothing.

And almost any traditional sports balls worked better as tools for vandalism than a Madball. Madballs wouldn’t break windows like a real baseball, but you could make your friends wince when you lobbed one at their heads, and the only thing that grossed out my cousins more than a Madball was throwing a frog with a firecracker in its mouth at them. We weren’t allowed to play with firecrackers without supervision, unfortunately, so Madballs were about all we had.

and this?

There are toys from my youth that I’ve forgotten over time. But Madballs keep cropping up. A few years ago they were re-released for a short time. I picked one up at the local drug store and decided, against better judgment, to open it. Then most of the paint peeled off the front of Oculus Orbis and it was ruined. I should have left it in the package.

About a decade before that, one of the video rental businesses shut down, and I found a VHS tape of Madballs cartoons.

I don't remember these.

The cartoons are horrible, just like Garbage Pail Kids and all of the other cartoons released during the 80s. But the nostalgia factor cannot be denied, and I find myself still popping it in from time to time.

The premise: the Madballs fight against a fascist warthog Madball and his henchmen for the right to rock and roll. With the help of a few friends, the Madballs band plays shitty old rock tunes from the 50s under public domain, and recycle the same shitty jokes every other cartoon from the 80s used. But damn, do they look cool while doing it.

And while My Pet Monster and other toys have long since been laid to rest, Madballs are still alive and kicking, appearing in an Ipod game called Babo Crash HD. The re-release of the original toys was successful enough to warrant the generation of new characters, and another re-release in which you can squeeze the Madballs to reveal their innards (pictured above). I’d like to get my hands on one of those.

Below you can check out one of the old commercials for Madballs, which, incidentally, I don’t remember either:

New Fiction to Appear in Upcoming Anthologies

Some of my latest stories will be appearing in a few upcoming anthologies from The Library of Bizarro Horror and Pill Hill Press. I’m not going to announce all of them tonight, because many won’t be coming out for a few more months. The most recent, for which the table of contents have been announced and/or the print date has been slated, are as follows:

The New Flesh: Episode I, edited by William Pauley III (published by The Library of Bizarro Horror)

The scoop on my story: a young girl visits her grandfather’s house to claim her inheritance. All promised to her has been taken, except an old camera. A dark mystery unfolds as she begins taking photographs of the things she knows and loves, and those things begin to change.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Told You So, edited by Jessy Marie Roberts (published by Pill Hill Press)

The scoop on my story: a plot to turn luxury lethal leads to hundreds of minor, seemingly inconsequential changes in consumer products, which creates a dramatic increase in highway accidents. Every product you see in your local convenience store plays a part in this plan. Nobody believes it. After all, how the hell can a candy bar that’s made to break apart and stain your vehicle’s 10k interior as you’re driving down the road lead to hundreds of deaths per year?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I”m honored to be a part of these anthologies, not only because I’m proud of the stories featured in them, but because the publishers have been great and the editors have been excellent. I have had the pleasure to work with both WPIII and Jessy several times this year, and I’m always pleased with the feedback. They’re always on the ball and respond in record time. As soon as these anthologies are available on Amazon I’ll be posting the links for you.

Keep your eyes peeled for further updates. I will be announcing my publications in coming weeks as the anthologies my work will be appearing in begin hitting the printers. There are seven more on the way, some of which feature bizarro writing, some of which feature horror, all of which reveal a marked shift from the style and content featured in Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals.

Thanks for stopping by!

More Head: Atari’s ‘The A-Team’ on Retro Bizarro

I always thought that Zombie Nation stood alone in the category of games where disembodied heads floated around the screen in an attempt to save the world. I was wrong. Apparently Zombie Nation isn’t even the first.

Years earlier, Atari released The A-Team, a game in which Mr. T’s head floats around the screen trying to avoid what looks like little robots from the movie Batteries Not Included. The men in black make a special guest appearance from time to time. There’s some other shit running around too, but it doesn’t really matter because it’s all going to die once Mr. T unleashes his foreboding tooth attack.

If you lose then a flashing rocket will shoot across the screen. It’s much bigger than the rockets featured in Tetris, so the game has a one up in that respect. Then you’ll be rewarded by knowing that the game is over, and you no longer have to play.

If you keep playing, then you’ll visit a few different areas. In the second area, you shoot lightning out of your mohawk at some thug who is running around the screen. But your goal is not to kill the thug. You must shoot the thug so your attack bounces off him and hits the square blocks slowly moving across the bottom of the screen. The logic is lost on me here. Why can’t Mr. T’s head just shoot the little bricks at the bottom of the screen? Why can’t Mr. T just ram the blocks with his forehead like you’ll want to do after playing this game for five minutes?

If you manage to succeed in this area, Mr. T’s head will grow to the size of a helicopter, which isn’t that far fetched considering the fact that his head has been a little larger than the men he’s been spitting his teeth at for the earlier portion of the game. Your goal is to destroy the helicopter. Because, even though you have “succeeded” in the other two areas by destroying thugs, robots and destroying the components of a nuclear warhead running down an assembly line, somehow that nuclear warhead is still going to be fired, and the helicopter has the controls in it.

According to AtariProtos.com, The A-Team is a rip off of the game Saboteur. You can get all the details at the following link: http://www.atariprotos.com/2600/software/ateam/ateam.htm

Signs of the Inanimal Revolution

It’s been a long time. Hope everyone is doing good, except people who slip on my page by searching for underage porn. You bastards can rot in hell.

So last month I asked people to send pictures of their furniture reading Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals. Here are some of the highlights:

This first one comes from my pal Amy over at JournalStone Publishing. I’m not sure exactly what’s going on. It’s clear the lamp is reading USCoCI, but the bottle of lotion . . . is it being read to, or is the lamp going to baste itself and try to sodomize an electrical outlet? Negotiating the dynamic in objectophilia porn is so hard.

A Butch Walker CD rests on the table as well, perched open as if it is about to applaud the public reading. The picture depicts a varied audience present for the performance.

 

 

The next picture comes from Brett, one of my former neighbors who I met and became friends with through my sister. I remember playing guitar with him in a bar room turned back porch. We had good times, and wild shit was always happening. But nothing like this ever went down:

You can tell the top couch is a veteran in the field of inanimal porn. That stain near the front leg says it all.

I like the hat, a nod to Ignatius. Did I mention his hat in the book? I always visualized him with one, but I left a lot of details out of the book unfortunately.

 

 

 

 

The next picture comes from Charlie over at Bitsy Bling Book Reviews. This was the first photo I acquired, and another one of my favorites. A Roomba reading my book on the toilet: instant classic.

I’m going to share what she said about the photo instead of adding my own commentary:

For Mother’s Day I got an irobot vacuum.  It is by far the best and most amazing piece of technology (maybe better than my MAC) that I own.  I think I actually love this machine.  It vacuums the entire house and then when it’s finished finds the charger.  I decided instead of me, I’d take a picture of ‘Roomba’ reading your book.  It’s hard to find good help these days.  Probably just a matter of time until I discovered my personal assistant slacking and reading porn!

I’m going to be sharing more photos in the near future. For now I have to get back to work. One more week of classes and then I’m home free!

Best,

New Story up on Bizarro Central

What's that? I can't understand you. Maybe it's that GIANT PENIS coming out of your mouth!

During a workshop at BizarroCon 2010 one of the participants asked, “why must all dicks in strange stories be huge? (Legend of the Overfiend comes to mind) Why can’t they feature tiny dicks?” In my (albeit limited) experience with strange stories featuring penises, I have found that most indeed feature only giant cocks. Is it homage to tentacle porn? Is it simply a manifestation of some unconscious desire to be well-endowed, or rather, hyper endowed?

That was the first question that inspired “Werecocks,” a short story about a man who transforms into an insignificant, flaccid member when the moon is full.

The second question was my own: why are most things supernatural imbued with great power? Werewolves, Frankenstein, the mummy, all of them have some sort of special ability that makes them greater than humans.

The appeal of the supernatural is that it transcends our expectations, our general understanding of the world around us. But over time, the supernatural has become naturalized. We’ve come to expect certain conventions. So why not shake things up and create something supernatural that has no power, something which becomes hyper vulnerable instead of hyper powerful? Check out the results by following the link below. While you’re at it, click the “Home” button in the upper, left-hand corner and check out the new and improved Bizarro Central. It features new fiction, blogs, and articles every week.

“Werecocks” on Bizarro Central